Theres Know One Like You I Love You Pucs

March 11, 2022 Post a Comment

Dear songs are where we go our passion, our soul — and nearly of our worst ideas.

Nothing adept tin can come up of this. Photo by Achim Voss/Flickr.

Throughout homo history, oceans have been crossed, mountains take been scaled, and great families have blossomed — all because of a few simple chords and a melody that inflamed a eye and propelled it on a noble, romantic mission.

On the other hand, that time y'all told that girl you just started seeing that you would "catch a grenade" for her? You did that because of a dearest song. And it wasn't exactly a coincidence that she all of a sudden decided to "lose your number" and move dorsum to Milwaukee to "figure some stuff out."

"It's just, my mom. Yous know? And L.A. is and then hot in the summer. And aye, my mom." Photo via iStock.

That fourth dimension yous held that blast box over your head outside your ex's house? You did that because of a dear song. And 50 hours of community service subsequently, you're still not back together.

Dear songs are great. They make our hearts beat faster. They inspire united states to take risks and put our feelings on the line. And they give us terrible, terrible ideas almost how actual, real-life human relationships should work.

They're amazing. So amazing. And also terrible.

Hither are six dearest songs that audio romantic merely aren't, and i song that doesn't audio romantic only totally is:

one. "God Only Knows," by The Beach Boys

Yous tin go on your "Surfin' Safaris," your "I Get Arounds," and your "Help me Rhondas."

When it comes to The Beach Boys, "God Only Knows" is where it's at. A lush garden of soft horns and breezy melody. A necktie-dye swirl of sound. A mural of haunted innocence with some of the most heartrending lyrics ever committed to the back of a surfboard.

Youth! Youth! Youth! Photo by Hulton Archive/Getty Images.

Here'due south why it sounds romantic:

I may not always honey you lot

But long every bit there are stars to a higher place you

You never need to doubt it

I'll brand yous so sure most it

God but knows what I'd exist without you

If you're traipsing through a meadow in a sundress with your dearest and not playing "God Only Knows" on your iPod, y'all should really stop and beginning over.

If you're lazily bumping a beach ball over a volleyball net and "God Only Knows" isn't playing somewhere in the back of your listen, you demand to rethink the choices that got you to this point.

If you're a video editor compiling footage of grainy hippies frolicking in the mud and you're not underscoring it with the opening chords of "God Only Knows," y'all are doing it wrong.

Hippies, likely on their style to a mud frolic. Photograph past Colin Davey/Getty Images.

Information technology's a song that just feels like beloved. Pure honey. Young love. Honey with a arctic, kelp-y vibe.

What could be wrong with that?

Here's why it's actually really, actually unromantic:

At that place'south zippo wrong with loving someone. Sending them flowers. Leaving over-the-top notes in their P.O. boxes. Stroking their pilus as they fall asleep while y'all whisper the complete works of Nicholas Sparks into their ear.

"Miles Ryan stood on the back porch of his house, smoking a cigarette..." Photograph by hatchettebookgroup.biz.

But there is such a thing every bit loving someone a skosh too much.

If you should e'er go out me

Though life would still go along believe me

The earth could bear witness nothing to me

Then what proficient would living practise me?

Wait, I get it. Breakups suck. There'south no getting around that. Merely good God.

At that place's a huge difference betwixt maxim: "Hey baby, you are my start and foremost everything and I'll be bummed if you go." And saying: "Welp, you accepted that job in Seattle, so I'm only gonna chug a bunch of nightshade and call it a life."

Merely that's pretty much the gist here. Which makes this line...

God only knows what I'd be without you

...horror-movie creepy. Because the answer, apparently, is: "I'd be a corpse!"

Ah well. We had a good run. Photograph via iStock.

That'due south not love. That's codependency (to put information technology mildly). Oh, and hey! Threatening to kill yourself if your partner leaves isn't loving. Information technology'south a form of emotional abuse.

Investing all your happiness and sense of cocky-worth in any human relationship — 1 that, by definition, might one day terminate — is putting a lot of eggs in one handbasket. Sure, God may only know what you'd exist without her, but God probably also hopes you accept, I don't know, some hobbies. Take a yoga class. Google some woodworking videos. Try kite surfing.

"Yep! Hell yep! What was her name again?" Photo by Jim Semlor/Federal Highway Assistants.

One person cannot exist anyone's exist-all and end-all. Information technology's too stressful. And information technology prevents you from doing you, which is a thing that'south gotta be done earlier y'all tin can exercise annihilation else.

No wonder she took that job in Seattle.

two. "Treasure," by Bruno Mars

Sure, information technology'south a blatant rip off of every Michael Jackson song yous've ever heard. Simply, we don't have Michael Jackson anymore, and equally tribute acts go, you could do a lot worse than Bruno Mars.

Expect at that face. That face! Photo by Brothers Le/Flickr.

Here's why the vocal sounds romantic:

Treasure, that is what you are

Dear, y'all're my aureate star

You know you can brand my wish come true

If you let me treasure you

If you permit me treasure you

Pass those lyrics to anyone on a used napkin at an eighth-course make-out political party and you'll likely get an instant toll pass on the highway to tongue-town (ew).

Pass them to your spouse and, chances are, appointment night is going to culminate in 47 minutes of chaste-all the same-passionate frenching.

Pass them to a cop who pulls you over for running a stop sign, and they will think y'all're weird — but probably still brand out with you lot.

In fact, Bruno Mars basically has a lifetime pass to make out with America considering of this song.

This is what happens when y'all write "Treasure" and y'all're on stage with Michelle Obama. Photo past Mandel Ngan/Getty Images.

And I'grand OK with that.

But, here's why "Treasure" isn't as romantic as it seems:

Everything about "Treasure" is retro. Everything.

Including its attitudes about gender.

"Children, have I ever told you what I shouted at your female parent on the street the first time we met?" Photo past Jacobsen/Getty Images.

Things start to go southward right from the very commencement:

Requite me your, give me your, give me your attention, infant

I gotta tell you a little something most yourself

Ah yep. Cypher screams "respect" quite like a homo lecturing a strange adult female on the street well-nigh something she "doesn't know about herself."

What could it exist? Could information technology be that her jokes are funny? Could it be that she's got something in her teeth? Could it exist that her nonfiction book most early modernistic German history is extremely detailed and informative?

"Cheers for teaching me all about Martin Luther'southward bible!" Photo by Torsten Schleese/Wikimedia Eatables.

Spoiler Alert: It's none of those.

You're wonderful, flawless, ooh, you're a sexy lady

But you walk around here like y'all wanna be someone else

Oh. It's that she's sexy. Cool, bro. Very original.

Word of advice? Regardless of how she'due south walking, the lady knows she's sexy. Even if she doesn't, it really doesn't bear on her solar day-to-24-hour interval so much that yous, a complete stranger, need to shout it at her (even over a funky disco snare).

Then what if she does want to be someone else? I'd love to be someone else! I think being Ryan Gosling would be quite nice. A practiced way to spend a 3-twenty-four hour period weekend.

Certain, in that location'd be an aligning catamenia... Photo by Eamonn M. McCormack/Getty Images.

And then later, of course, the narrator can't help himself:

Pretty girl, pretty girl, pretty girl, you should be smiling

A daughter like you should never look and so blue.

He respects her so much, he'south actually straight-up telling her to smile! Much like Mars' character "Uptown Funk," who appears to become off on angrily exhorting girls to "hit [their] hallelujah." Which, yous know, I guess everybody's got a thing.

Yes, in the globe of "Treasure," a healthy relationship is an unending stream of a homo complimenting a strange woman and said adult female existence so totally flattered that she immediately dispenses "the sex."

He and then proceeds to talk to his potential lover like the globe's creepiest pirate:

You lot are my treasure, you are my treasure

You are my treasure, yeah, you, you, you, you lot are

You are my treasure, you are my treasure

Yous are my treasure, yep, you lot, you, you, y'all are

Past this betoken, in his mind, she's a literal affair. An object. Which is fitting.

I suppose it could exist worse, though. At to the lowest degree she's not but whatsoever affair.

GIF from "The Ii Towers."

That'south ... something, right?

3. "Don't Think Twice, It's All Correct," by Bob Dylan

For every bit long as humans accept been dating each other, humans have been breaking up with each other. And "Don't Think Twice" is a portrait of a relationship going downward in flames. Glorious, poetic, audio-visual flames.

Bob Dylan, a guy who is skilful at writing songs that a lot of people like. Photograph by William Lovelace/Getty Images.

Here's why information technology sounds romantic:

Well, it ain't no apply to sit and wonder why, babe

Even you don't know by now

And it ain't no use to sit and wonder why, babe

It'll never exercise somehow

When your rooster crows at the interruption of dawn

Await out your window, and I'll exist gone

You're the reason I'm a-traveling on

Just don't recall twice, it's all right.

Boom. Strummed on out of that friends-with-benefits situation like whoa.

"Don't Think Twice" is a raw vocal. An honest vocal. A powerful vocal. It'due south the song your older sister played on continuous loop for six months later her boyfriend left for higher. The song that convinced your Aunt Roslyn to leave her bank-teller task, load her four Australian shepherds into the van, and open up a wind chime store in Mendocino. The song your friend's cool dad always wants to play when he invited your loftier schoolhouse band over to his apartment to jam.

"What timbre are you looking for?" Photo by Sharon Ang/Pixabay.

Sure, it's about the end of a relationship, simply it sounds romantic. And at the stop of the day, shouldn't that be enough?

Hither's why it's actually sooooo messed up:

Relationships finish. For a lot of reasons. And while there is no correct manner to call it quits with someone, when the grit settles, both parties can certainly benefit from a hard, honest discussion about what went incorrect.

It'south not me, Joan. It'southward you. 100% you. Photo by Rowland Scherman/Getty Images.

In "Don't Call back Twice," that give-and-take basically boils down to: "It'south your fault."

Let's review the reasons the dude in "Don't Recollect Twice" is splitting with his lady friend:

I gave her my heart, simply she wanted my soul

Ugh, women, right? You're all like, "Babe, I merely take so much unspecified dear to give," and she's like, "Take out the trash!" And you lot're like, "Just baaaaaaabe, shouldn't my heart be plenty?" And she's similar, "No, seriously. I already did the laundry, cleaned the whole house, fed the dog, did the dishes, and made both of our lunches for the calendar week. All I demand you to do is accept out the trash." And you're like, "You're bumming me out. I'1000 gonna go play guitar." And then she gets all mad! What did you do? Why is she trying to change y'all? UGH!

You could accept done better, but I don't mind

Yes. You do listen! You listen! You wrote a song well-nigh information technology, you passive-aggressive prick.

You but kinda wasted my precious time

Ah yes. Your time is and so precious! Think about all the hours you wasted plumbing the body of water-deep, ecstatic mysteries of human partnership when yous could have been futzing around with that home-brew kit.

Yep, this was worth it. Photograph by Bill Bradford/Flickr.

The minute you lot start breaking information technology down, the message of "Don't Recollect Twice" all of a sudden starts to seem a lot less romantic. Like your sister'south ex-boyfriend, who worked at the Bass Pro Store in boondocks for a while and now might be in jail. Similar your aunt'due south wind chime store, which would have closed forever ago had she not received that inheritance from her mom in the '80s. Like your friend's cool dad, who wasn't exactly, technically, paying kid support.

"You kids want a beer? No one's under xiii, correct?" Photo via iStock.

Oh aye, and the song'south narrator likewise indicate-blank refers woman he'south leaving as:

A kid, I'1000 told

That's right. In addition to existence a run-of-the-mill passive-aggressive jerk — turns out, he'due south also possibly a pedophile.

Even if we are to accept that this is a metaphor and she's not actually a child — which there'south no indication it is, but OK, Bob Dylan — the fact that Commitmentphobe Gunderson here would willingly cull an immature partner reflects way more poorly on him than it does on her.

Breaking up with anyone in such a cruel, dismissive manner is a recipe for sticking them with years of therapy bills.

Which, I suppose, may be the point.

4. "Leaving on a Jet Plane," by John Denver

Who has two thumbs and wrote a bittersweet folk song about hurtling through the stratosphere in a giant aluminum tube at 600 miles per hour?

This guy. Photo past Hughes Television Network/Wikimedia Eatables.

Here's why information technology sounds romantic:

"Leaving on a Jet Airplane" is a lovely song. And impressive in its loveliness because jet planes were still kind of new at the time it was written.

'Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane

To a modernistic ear, this would be sort of similar singing, "I'm a scoooting away on my hoverboooooard," but in a way that'south somehow all the same folksy and heartbreaking and singable by ix-year-olds at summer camp. Not easy to do!

Oh babe, I hate to go

You see — he hates to go! He just hates it! We know this, because he tells us he hates information technology. And why would he hate to become if he didn't love his partner just that much?

Run across ya! Photo past Altair78/Wikimedia Commons.

Why indeed?

Here's why it's actually non that romantic at all:

All the plaintive guitar, loping bass line, and twangy, melancholy warbling in the world tin can only distract so much from the fact that the song's principal character is well, kind of a jerkweed.

And in reality — surprise surprise! — it doesn't actually seem similar he hates being abroad all that much:

In that location'southward so many times I've permit you downwards

So many times I've played effectually

I tell y'all now, they don't mean a thing

"Babe, I promise! All the movies I watched lonely while you were domicile nursing the quadruplets. All the times I tuckered our life savings on Zoo Zillionaire. All the random sex I had with other women. Totally meaningless. Certainly fun to do! Really fun. Like, I had a fantastic time. But rest bodacious — completely empty, in an ontological sense."

"As empty as this bed I just finished having sex with someone else in." Photo via iStock.

Yep, when you break information technology downward, "Leaving on a Jet Airplane," is less of a passionate tribute to love overcoming distance and more than the deluded ramblings of a guy who needs to convince himself he's "good" despite all evidence to the opposite.

And for all he claims to exist broken upwardly about having to role from his one and only, the dude seems pretty excited virtually the flight. Oh, you're leaving on a jet aeroplane, are you? Are you Zone 1? Gonna humblebrag on Twitter about the "terrible" Cibo express salad you lot were forced to choke down equally you lot sat waiting to commence on your fun, mysterious run a risk?

"Life so hard @ LGA #missingmybabe." Photo by Gesalbte/Wikimedia Commons.

He continues:

Ev'ry place I go, I'll think of y'all

Ev'ry vocal I sing, I'll sing for y'all

Ah cool. He'll recall well-nigh her while strumming and making "my love is fragile equally the morning dew" eyes at a waif-y grad student in the front row. That pretty much makes up for information technology all.

Then he demands:

And then kiss me and grin for me

Tell me that you'll look for me

After all the betrayal and heartbreak, after basically revealing himself to exist a grade-A sleaze who tin can't be trusted, he still has the gall to tell her to wait? To wait for him?

And here'south the kicker:

When I come dorsum, I'll bring your nuptials ring

Ah yes. He'll put a band on information technology. Finally.

"Ehhhhhhh...." Photo via iStock.

Unlike all the previous trips, where he's cheated a billion times, drained the family unit bank business relationship, and simply been a full general screwup and thwarting.

Only yeah. This time he says he'll bring back a wedding band.

I hope she joins a polyamorous octad and never looks back.

v. "When a Man Loves a Adult female," Percy Sledge

When y'all await upward "soul" in the lexicon, the book plays yous a recording of this song.

Percy Sledge, having a few thoughts. Photograph past Gene Pugh/Flickr.

Specifically, it plays you the very showtime line.

Here'south why information technology sound very romantic:

When a homo loves a woman

Sure, you can write the lyrics down, but information technology doesn't even come close to capturing the heartache. The yearning. The delicious, succulent pain-belting:

WHEN A MAN LOVES A Woman

Closer ... only nonetheless no.

WHEN A MAAAAAAAN. LOVES A WOOOMAN!

Yeah! Sing it, Percy Sledge!

It'due south an elemental lyric.

It's a heart-shattering lyric.

It'southward a lyric that demands y'all put your dorsum into it.

It'southward perfection.

Every bit long as you don't continue listening.

Here'due south why the song is really pretty horrifying:

From the opening lines of "When a Man Loves a Woman," nosotros know that, at least on occasion, a human being loves a adult female.

Which raises the question: What happens when said man loves said woman?

He'd give up all his comforts

And slumber out in the rain

If she said that'southward the way

It ought to be.

Whoa! OK. No. Back up. A man, no affair how devoted, no thing how selfless, no matter how in love, needs shelter. Otherwise, a man will die of exposure and hypothermia.

Turn his dorsum on his all-time friend if he put her down.

No! Jeez. No. A homo tin can't put upwards with that kind of isolating behavior. A man needs friends! Once a man'southward whole support organization erodes out from nether him, a homo volition be bitter, ungrounded, and lonely. And a human's mental health will deteriorate.

I gave you everything I have

Tryin' to hold on to your heartless dear

Baby, please don't treat me bad.

This is not what happens "when a man loves a woman." Information technology's what happens when a human being loves a controlling, manipulative woman. An abusive woman. A adult female who, in truth, only loves a woman. Herself.

"It'due south Chris or me." Photo by geralt/Pixabay.

And that's not healthy.

Run, Percy Sledge, run! We're here for you.

(Side notation: Lest information technology go unsaid, at that place is way more than ane manner for a man to love a adult female. Maybe they spend every waking moment cuddling and bopping each other on the nose. Perhaps they slumber in split bedrooms. Perhaps they dress up in large, plush cat costumes and refer to each other Mr. and Mrs. Kittyhawk. And when a human being loves a man, I imagine it feels much the same. Or when a woman loves a woman. Or when a gender nonconforming person loves a gender nonconforming person.)

Regardless of the depth of commitment, living situation, or combination of genders or sexual orientations, there's no one-size-fits-all love solution. Every human relationship is a unique snowflake. Variety is the spice of life. Necessity is the female parent of invention. There's more than i way to skin a cat. A spoonful of saccharide helps the medicine get down.

Information technology doesn't matter if it's the right metaphor, as long as information technology'south a metaphor. Photo by Rosmarie Voegtli/Flickr.

Point being: Generalize at your peril, Sledge. And delight, seek help! You can do this! And if you always find yourself in a similar situation, please requite these people a call.

6. "All I Wanna Do is Make Honey to Yous," Heart

Honestly, Heart could sing a list of the virtually popular AllRecipes ("Jaaaamie's Cranberry Spinach Saaaaalad/World'southward All-time Lasaaaaagna/Sour Creeeeeam Cutouts") and information technology would make me want to bawl my eyes out in the artillery of a alpine, nighttime stranger at the end of a pier.

This song is perfect. You should e'er be listening to it. If you're non listening to it now, smack yourself in the face and Google it. It's just that important.

I am singing the phone book. You are weeping like a tiny babe. Photo by FatCat125/Wikimedia Commons.

So much passion. And so much pain. So much pilus.

Here's why information technology sounds romantic:

Over pounding drums and a soaring melody, Heart sisters Nancy and Ann Wilson deliver a primal tribute to the ane truthful romantic fantasy shared by every living being on Earth: picking up an unnervingly attractive man for one nighttime of listen-blowing sex and so releasing him dorsum into the wild to bone — only never quite as compellingly ever again.

They sing:

It was a rainy night when he came into sight

Standing by the route, no umbrella, no coat

So I pulled up alongside and I offered him a ride

He accustomed with a grinning so we drove for a while

I don't have to go along because you know what happens next, and it'due south crawly.

"I just sit in this motel. Counting the days since. Counting ... the ... days." Photo by Rene Asmussen/Pexels.

Now, here's why this song is not romantic at all:

The relationship in "All I Wanna Do" seems too proficient to be true. And it is. Because it's not an equally loving ,or fifty-fifty equally lusty, pairing at all.

It's a...

Information technology'southward a...

Well. You know what information technology is:

Good at recognizing no-win situations and delicious with lemon?! Photo by Pikawil/Flickr.

For a while, things are humming along just fine, like any wholesome, illicit, anonymous matter should:

I didn't enquire him his proper noun, this lone male child in the rain

Fate, tell me information technology'due south correct, is this love at outset sight?

Sure, many of us might hesitate to pick upwards a strange leather-jacket-clad man standing on the side of the road for a no-strings-attached screw, but our narrator just has a feeling about this guy, and sometimes, you gotta go with your gut.

I tin respect that.

We fabricated magic that night

He did everything right

Great! Seems like it was a good decision. Bonking the hitchhiker is payin' off big time.

But then, without warning, the vocal starts to sound less like an all-fourth dimension great romance and more like a story men's rights activists tell each other as they vape around a campfire:

I told him "I am the flower, you are the seed

Nosotros walked in the garden, we planted a tree

Don't try to discover me, please don't you dare

Simply live in my retentiveness, you'll ever be there"

I'thou non a poet. Symbolic language often eludes me. But unless "flower," "seed," "garden," and "tree," all of a sudden mean wildly different things in the context of human reproduction than they accept since sexual activity was outset invented in the early-1970s, we're talking about a surprise, not-mutually-consensual pregnancy!

Hullo! Photo by Avsar Aras/Wikimedia Commons.

Of grade, metaphors are opaque, interpretations vary, etc., etc., etc. Yous might exist tempted to retrieve, "Possibly Heart meant something else by that."

To that I say, no, they definitely meant it:

Then information technology happened 1 day

Nosotros came round the same way

Yous can imagine his surprise

When he saw his own eyes

There are ii possibilities here.

One: The narrator of the song is recently-deceased Jerry Orbach from this creepy New York Metropolis subway advertising from nine years agone:

Photo by eyedonation.org.

Or two: She totally bamboozled a dude into whipping up a infant on the sly.

I said, "Please, please understand

Ah, sure. Yeah. No worries.

I'm in love with another man

Absurd, then this all makes sense and is in no mode the nightmarish scheme of a deranged sociopath who has now wrecked non one but two lives.

And what he couldn't requite me, oh, no

Was the 1 little affair that you can"

A HUMAN LIFE! A Real SENTIENT Man LIFE THAT IS NOT INCIDENTAL TO ALL OF THIS!

The best you can say about that is that information technology's not technically illegal, and that leather-jacket man probably should take been responsible for his own nascence control. Or, at the very least, asked more than questions .

Merely ... it's not cute. It's not romantic (fifty-fifty the Wilson sisters themselves concord).

And at the end of the twenty-four hour period, the shadiest graphic symbol in this song is somehow not the rain-soaked hitchhiker wandering to nowhere in the dark.

Which... is maxim something.

But there is a honey vocal that is truly, madly, deeply perfect. An unassailable track in a sea of problematic faves.

A vocal that does everything correct.

A song that paints a portrait of a healthy partnership built to last.

A vocal that can double every bit a manual for the ideal homo romantic relationship.

And that song is...

"Candy Shop," by 50 Cent, featuring Olivia

Here's why you might be — OK, near definitely are — skeptical:

fifty Cent (L) and that guy. You know, that guy? That guy! Photograph by Ethan Miller/Getty Images.

As catchy as "Candy Shop" is, equally fun information technology is to dance to, and as cathartic every bit it can be to scream in the eye of a crowded fraternity house at 2 a.m., there'due south no getting around the fact that the vocal begins similar this:

I'll have you to the candy store

I'll permit you lick the lollipop

I'll post that again, in instance you missed some of the nuance:

I'll take yous to the processed shop

I'll let you lick the lollipop

Fashion to take one for the team, narrator of "Candy Store"!

At starting time glance, "Candy Store" is nobody'due south idea of a classic love song.

The lyrics are ... unusually forward. The beat is kinda basic. The hook is like the music they play when Abu Nazir sidles scarily by in "Homeland."

OooooOOOOoooooOOOo. GIF from "Homeland."

It doesn't get played much anymore. When it does resurface, information technology feels ... kinda dated. Like watching that DVD of "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire" on your new Xbox 360.

Information technology'south not a vocal you lot'd put on a mixtape for your crush. It'southward not a song y'all'd play for your spouse when the kids are at home with the babysitter and you've got nine hours to tear upward the Piscataway Hampton Inn. It'south certainly not a song you'd include on the video photo montage yous made for your grandparents' silvery anniversary.

It's just non.

Only information technology should be.

So here it is. Hither's why "Candy Shop" past 50 Cent, featuring Olivia, is actually the perfect relationship song:

You lot wanna back that thing up or should I push up on it? Photo by ionasnicolae/Pixabay.

The bass pulsate hits. The MIDI violins whine. The singer starts filling out his fellatio permission slip. It's just been twenty seconds, and you lot're already getting fix to hang information technology up with "Candy Shop."

Merely then ... over the foursquare thrum and the mewling strings, a miracle occurs — in the form of a female voice joining the track, cutting through the din like a blaring call.

She sings:

I'll take you to the processed shop (yeah)

Male child, i taste of what I got (uh-huh)

I'll take yous spendin' all you got (come on)

Keep going 'til you hit the spot, whoa

It'due south common! It'due south mutual! They're performing oral sex on each other!

Ring the bells! Bang the drums! Release the doves!

Become, cunnilingus doves, go! Photo by liz due west/Flickr.

50 Cent himself may not be the globe'southward greatest partner — for example, according to ane of his exes, he's done some pretty unforgivable things.

But the narrator of "Candy Shop"? He gets information technology:

You lot could have information technology your way, how practice you want information technology?

Rather than merely imposing his desires on the person he's with — a la the dude in "God Just Knows ("I'yard going to invest my entire sense of self-worth in you!") or the street heckler in "Treasure" ("I'm going to treat you like a chest full of gold doubloons!") or the sociopath in "All I Wanna Do is Brand Dear to You," ("I'm going to trick you lot into knocking me up!") — the "Candy Shop" guy really asks his partner what she wants.

Which, in the world of pop music, is adept for about fifty,000 trillion points.

And where are they going to do information technology? The hotel? Back of the rental? The beach? The park?

It's whatever yous're into

'Crusade consent is sexy!

I own't finished educational activity you 'bout how sprung I got ya

The narrator of "Candy Shop" is certainly ... assertive almost his desires.

But hither's the key thing: the lady on the receiving end of those desires? She'southward clearly into it. And nosotros know this because she says so.

The lines of consent in "Processed Shop" are brilliant red, highlighted, and soldered into the weirdly viscous club flooring.

Meanwhile, Robin Thicke is outside trying to convince the bouncer that his uncle is a lawyer. Photo by Grim23/Wikimedia Commons.

Girl what we practice ...

And where we do ...

The things we do ...

Are simply between me and you lot

No matter how nasty they freak, it volition be intimate. It volition be private. There will exist no revenge porn (the epilogue to "Blurred Lines," to wit, would definitely be a protracted, emotionally devastating lawsuit).

If you be a nympho, I'll exist a nympho

Sexual compatibility is key to the survival of whatsoever relationship, whether years, weeks, or (very possibly in the instance of "Processed Shop") minutes long.

She may have a loftier sex bulldoze, but dude is graciously offering to accommodate her. What a gentleman! These crazy kids merely might get the altitude after all.

And at the end of the day, what is a relationship but two nymphos, sharing health insurance?

Thank you, Obamacare! Photo past Wonderlane/Flickr.

It's similar it's a race who could become undressed quicker

Over again, everybody is having a slap-up time. And, critically, an equally great time.

I bear upon the right spot at the correct time

Of course, it wouldn't be a popular/hip-hop hitting without a spot of random braggadocio, but if we're to take him at his word, "Candy Store" guy is at least as good at "doing everything right" as the anonymous hitchhiker from "All I Wanna Practice is Make Dearest to You" — except without all the creepy surprise baby nonsense.

The "Processed Shop" guy is a keeper. Because he's not a hero or a stranger in the night or a funky, shimmering love god. He'southward a skilful partner.

"Candy Store" is raunchy. Information technology's dirty. Information technology's non your grandmother'southward love song.

But when you strip away the swagger, the back shell, and the weird strings from "Best of Public Domain Middle Eastern Music 1993," by the end of the song, both people are satisfied. And at the cease of the day, isn't that what a healthy relationship is all about?

Yeah.

Uh-huh.